What is Desire?
The World Health Organization defines sexual health as “a state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being in relation to sexuality…Sexual health requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination, and violence. For sexual health to be attained and maintained, the sexual rights of all persons must be respected, protected and fulfilled” (World Health Organization, n.d.). How can one’s sexual rights be fulfilled and create the possibility of pleasure without first exploring, understanding, and defining one’s own desire?
Desire may feel like one of those “you’ll know it when you feel it” experiences, yet it often remains elusive and hard to define or pursue with clarity. Research shows that low sexual desire is the most commonly reported and diagnosed sexual problem among women (Thomas & Gurevich, 2021).
So what is desire? Desire is an emotional and psychological force that motivates us to pursue something, such as pleasure, connection, or intimacy. Desire propels us to seek the fulfillment of our sexual needs (Nagoski, 2021).
Despite desire being an integral part of our sexual response, desire has not historically factored into sexual response frameworks that describe psychological and physiological changes that occur during sexual encounters. It wasn’t until the early 2000s, that sex researcher Rosemary Basson incorporated desire into her sexual response model as a feedback loop, whereby desire and arousal do not have to operate as the starting point to engage in sexual activity. Instead, desire can be responsive, stemming from physical sensations and touch, a want to build or maintain emotional connection, and feelings of intimacy and closeness towards one’s partner(s). Rather than viewing desire as the starting place for a sexual interaction, Basson asserts that desire may be responsive, that is, it occurs in response to an erotic scenario and can occur before or after experiencing arousal. Basson’s model creates a pathway toward understanding desire as a fundamentally unique experience for each person.
The Sources of Desire
Desire is shaped and motivated by many factors: biological (hormonal changes, pregnancy, peri/menopause, medication), psychological (including knowledge and expectations around sex, stress levels, body image), and interpersonal factors (such as relationship satisfaction and attraction to a partner). Given the complex nature of one’s desire and the ever-changing factors that may influence one’s relationship to their own desire, how does one identify what they want when it comes to their wanting? One cannot solely rely on their partner(s)’s ability to intuit their needs. In fact, women who feel more in control and empowered in expressing their desires and preferences with their partner(s) are more likely to report higher sexual satisfaction in their relationships (Brotto & Klein, 2010).
Mindfulness and Desire
Mindfulness can be a gateway to understanding our internal experiences in the present moment without shame or judgment. Simply put, mindfulness is about paying attention to the here and now, using the five senses (touch, taste, smell, sight, and sound) to explore sensorially how to ground in the present moment. The act of being mindful, that is, anchoring to one of the five senses and returning back to that sensation when the mind wanders, cultivates greater self-awareness of one’s internal experiences, reduces stress, and fosters emotion regulation. Regular incorporation of mindfulness is so effective that it has become a form of therapeutic treatment called Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR). Initially developed to target stress, MBSR has shown efficacy in treating depression, anxiety, chronic pain, cancer, diabetes, hypertension, skin and immune disorders (Niazi & Shaharya, 2011).
Given its effectiveness with other health conditions, mindfulness has been leveraged to treat women with low desire through mindfulness-based cognitive behavioral sex therapy (MBCST), which incorporates regular mindfulness, like body scans, a non-judgmental noticing of sensations in the body without trying to alter sensations, and anchoring to different senses, like sight, sound, and breath work (Brotto & Basson, 2014). In a study of women engaged in MBCST with low desire, treatment significantly improved women’s sexual desire, arousal and sexual satisfaction (Brotto & Basson, 2014).
Exploring Touch through Sensate Focus
Masters and Johnson, the creators of the initial sexual response model, observed how performance anxiety and self-judgement can interfere with one’s ability to experience desire, proposing that sensate focus, structured, progressive touching exercises with intimate partners, helps improve focus and concentration of touch and therefore, reduces anxiety (Weiner & Avery, 2017). Sensate focus allows individuals and couples to use touch as a means of connection and awareness, focusing on the sensations of pressure, temperature, and texture in the moment, rather than performance outcomes, like lubrication or orgasm, to increase the presence of one’s internal experience (Weiner & Avery, 2017). In fact, the focus of these exercises is to touch out of one’s own interest rather than performance or pleasure alone. So why use touch to understand one’s desire? Per Masters, Johnson, and Koldodny, “touch is the currency of sex” (1995).
Mapping Your Pleasure: A Step-by-Step Guide
An exercise called Pleasure Mapping may support bodily exploration with non-judgmental, exploratory touch aimed at curating interest and defining pleasure for oneself. During a pleasure mapping exercise, one focuses on touching parts of their body, including erogenous zones. The goal is to explore with interest and curiosity, not judgement, to assess what parts of the body experience pleasure and what type of touch is preferred – texture, temperature, and pressure. Using the sensation of touch as the anchor, notice with interest what sensations arise, without aiming for a particular outcome, like orgasm. Pleasure mapping can enhance self-awareness and help define pleasure and desire for yourself, helping you rediscover your body and building a deeper connection to sensations that bring about pleasure (Thorpe, et al., 2021).
1. Create a comfortable, safe environment
Find a private, comfortable environment for you to be alone without distraction, where you feel safe and relaxed. You may dim the lights, light your favorite candle, or play calming music. Think about how to leverage your five senses to create a relaxed and pleasurable environment. Set aside about 30 minutes for the exercise and gather supplies to support you, including a mirror, notebook, and pen or pencil.
2. Set an intention for the exercise
Explore your purpose for the exercise, perhaps to explore areas of pleasure within your body or simply to notice sensations that arise throughout the exercise. The intention should be centered around engaging with open-minded awareness, without being too tied to outcomes. Consider jotting down your intention.
3. Build mindful awareness through sight
Using your mirror, begin to notice parts of your body. Notice judgements you hold about parts of your body and write those down, seeing if you might allow yourself to notice the judgements and then return to the exercise, using sight and non-judgmental noticing to hone into parts of your body. Notice parts of your body where you feel positively or neutral and note those as well.
4. Begin with gentle, exploratory touch, focused on sensation
Using your hands and fingertips, begin to touch non-erogenous zones first, like your hands, arms, and legs, moving slowly to focus on texture, temperature, and pressure. Notice the temperature of your skin and fingers, the contours of your body – softer and harder areas, and how different parts of your body respond to touch. As you move through, you may notice certain areas provide more pleasure than others. Note these.
5. Use different types of touch
Consider varying your touch using different strokes, rhythm, and pressure, noticing how each type of touch impacts your experience.
6. Be aware of emotional responses and return back to anchoring touch
While engaging in this mindful touching exercise, you may notice emotional responses like excitement, pleasure, relaxation, interest, or maybe even sadness or self-consciousness. Any of these emotional responses are valid; your emotions are offering you information. When you notice these emotions, respond with self-compassionate kindness, engaging with patience and returning to the exercise, anchoring in touch to notice textures, temperatures, and pressure.
7. If desired, incorporate erogenous zones to pleasure map,
incorporating steps 3-6, to observe touch to erogenous zones of your body (breasts, inner thighs, genitals), noticing judgements, approval, or neutrality, then exploring touch with curiosity, noticing temperature differentials, texture differences of skin and hair, and how your genitals, breasts, and other erogenous zones, respond to different types of touch.
8. Pleasure map your experience
As you finish exploring parts of your body, notice what experiences elicited pleasurable, unpleasurable, and neutral responses, noting each. You may reflect one step further, noticing what type of pressure is preferred for pleasurable areas or what type of strokes or rhythms elicit the most pleasurable responses. Consider what areas felt best exploring? What types of touch felt most pleasurable? How did your body respond to different types of touch?
9. Integrate pleasure into your daily life
You may incorporate bodily pleasure by repeating this exercise as needed, as research supports that desire evolves throughout our lives and is not a fixed, steady state (Diamond, 2008). You may consider sharing what you learned about preferred touch and your desire with your partner(s) or incorporate in self-pleasure. Further, you might consider additional ways you can connect with your body sensorially, noticing your preferred water temperature when you bathe, the feeling of applying lotion to your face or body, or what types of fabrics feel most pleasurable on your skin.
Parting Thoughts
As you engage in pleasure mapping, be it for the first or 100th time, engage in patience and self-compassion. Notice when the mind wanders and anchor back into the pressure, temperature, and texture of touch. The exercise is explicitly focused on the journey of touch, not the achievement of any specific outcome, like orgasm. Pleasure mapping encapsulates being present and engaging mindful touch to explore desire, creating a pathway towards self-discovery and sexual agency.
If you’re exploring desire, working through sexual challenges, or simply want to reconnect with your body, sex therapy offers a compassionate space to better understand yourself. Reach out to our team to learn how we can support your journey.
Bibliography
Brotto, Lori A., and Rosemary Basson. “Group Mindfulness-Based Therapy Significantly Improves Sexual Desire in Women.” Behaviour Research and Therapy, vol. 57, June 2014, pp. 43–54, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2014.04.001. Accessed 25 May 2020.
Brotto, Lori A, and Carolin Klein. “Psychological Factors Involved in Women’s Sexual Dysfunctions.” Expert Review of Obstetrics & Gynecology, vol. 5, no. 1, Jan. 2010, pp. 93–104, https://doi.org/10.1586/eog.09.67.
Diamond, Lisa M. Sexual Fluidity : Understanding Women’s Love and Desire. Cambridge, Mass., Harvard Univ. Press, 2008.
Masters, William H, et al. Human Sexuality. New York Harpercollins College Publ, 1995.
Nagoski, Emily. Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life. S.L., Simon & Schuster, 2021
Niazi, Asfandyar Khan, and Shaharyar Khan Niazi. “Mindfulness-based stress reduction: a non-pharmacological approach for chronic illnesses.” North American journal of medical sciences vol. 3,1 (2011): 20-3. doi:10.4297/najms.2011.320
Thomas, Emily J, and Maria Gurevich. “Difference or Dysfunction?: Deconstructing Desire in the DSM-5 Diagnosis of Female Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder.” Feminism & Psychology, vol. 31, no. 1, Feb. 2021, pp. 81–98, https://doi.org/10.1177/0959353521989536.
Thorpe, Shemeka, et al. “Black Women’s Pleasure Mapping.” Journal of Black Sexuality and Relationships, vol. 7, no. 4, 2021, pp. 1–23, https://doi.org/10.1353/bsr.2021.0008. Accessed 8 Dec. 2021.
Weiner, Linda, and Constance Avery-Clark. Sensate Focus in Sex Therapy. Taylor & Francis, 24 Feb. 2017.
World Health Organization. (n.d.). Sexual health. Sexual health and well-being. https://www.who.int/teams/sexual-and-reproductive-health-and-research-(srh)/areas-of-work/sexual-health
