With Thanksgiving right around the corner, we may find ourselves filled with a range of emotions from excitement to frustration to sadness and perhaps even dread. Holidays like Thanksgiving that tend to focus on relationships with our family of origin, can generate feelings of shame and isolation for those who have chosen to place boundaries, limit, or cut ties with these individuals. The boundaries that we may need to set with a parent, sibling, or other family member for our own happiness and mental well being can take many different forms. Each of us has the right to choose the adult relationships we want, but we may need skills and strategies to set those boundaries. These relational dilemmas and ways of coping with them are a frequent theme in therapy. After all, our interactions and relationships with others play a crucial role in our mental health.
Understanding Boundaries
What exactly are boundaries? We hear this term tossed around so much in casual conversation but it can be hard to know what these actually mean in practice. Boundaries are limits, rules, or guidelines that we establish to define our expectations for how others should behave toward us, ensuring that our interactions remain safe, respectful, and reasonable. Boundaries can take the form of physical boundaries and/or emotional boundaries. Each individual has the right to create the appropriate boundaries that they need, without approval or permission from others.
There are many reasons why we may choose to place boundaries, limit, or sever ties with family members that can include abuse and manipulation, conflicting values, poor boundary setting, neglect, and lack of respect, just to name a few. Deciding what type of relationship you want, if any, is the first step in creating a realistic plan that considers difficult family dynamics.
Establishing Boundaries
Creating healthy boundaries with family members can take many different forms including limits on certain topics, limited contact, and no contact. It’s important to keep in mind that this decision can be viewed as an act of self-care, a step towards protection and freedom from difficult family dynamics. Remember that you are not intentionally trying to cause harm or hurt, although this may be the reaction that you encounter.
A first step in setting boundaries can be to establish specific guidelines around a current stressor in your life. For example, if a couple is undergoing fertility treatment, they may make a request of their family members to not ask questions about the process. One recommendation that can work well in this situation is to send a note to family members you anticipate seeing over the holidays and letting them know you are trying to create a family and to please not ask any more questions on this topic. By setting this boundary before the holidays, we can state our needs and ask that our family respect our comfort level on this topic.
For those wishing to establish limited contact, the starting point is to gain clarity and acceptable communication or interaction avenues. Let’s say for example your mother demonstrated unhealthy patterns in parenting you and now is putting pressure on you to spend time with her grandchildren. A limited contact boundary to set could be that your mother can spend time with your kids in a public space while you are present. This type of arrangement allows for your kids and mother to develop a relationship but within boundaries that you have established.
If establishing no-contact boundaries is the right decision for you, there are a range of options you have to communicate your decision. This need can be communicated in a conversation directly with family members, through compiling a letter, or removing all methods of contact including blocking, removing, and deleting contact information. It’s important to communicate in “I” rather than “you” statements in directly conveying these boundaries. For example, if you choose to hold a conversation, you can share at the outset, “I feel overwhelmed when our conversations become heated, so I will let you know if I need to take a break and then come back to our conversation.”
If the idea of holding a conversation with this family member or members feels unsafe or unproductive, writing a letter may be the next best option. In the letter, you can share whatever information you feel comfortable to convey why you have made this decision and what the boundaries of contact will look like moving forward. For example, you can ask that they refrain from contacting you for a specific period of time and you will reach out when you are ready and able.
As difficulties arise in this process, it can be helpful to write down your “why” for making this decision – what are you hoping to remove from your life? And also, what are you hoping to gain as a result? What sort of person do you want to be? A private place to journal and fully express yourself can be a tool to use as you navigate this challenging process. When we shift our focus to the bigger picture, we can find the strength to stay true to ourselves and our values.
Dealing with Family Interactions
If you find yourself in a situation or at an event in which interaction is unavoidable, it’s vital to have a plan. This can take the form of arriving late to the event, staying busy with activities such as setup, cooking or cleaning up, a policy to not engage in conversation with unsafe family members, and/or leaving the event when it appears conflict is imminent.
Addressing Emotional Challenges
At any point during the process of establishing boundaries, but especially at the beginning, we can expect to receive pushback, anger, and other difficult reactions from our family members. We have made an intentional choice to make a change, but that does not necessarily mean that our family members share that desire.
Once we have established these boundaries, it is common to feel lonely, disconnected, guilty, and/or isolated at times. Many individuals inside and outside of your family will not understand the reason for your decision and may even challenge or blame you for this outcome. You are not alone in how you feel or the choices that you have made.
There are a number of strategies we can engage when feeling overwhelmed by the different emotions that this process can activate. A first step is to acknowledge: notice, name our emotion, and pay attention to where it appears in our body. Next, we allow ourselves to experience the emotion and refrain from putting any approval or judgments on it. By allowing the emotion to freely flow in our bodies, we can make room for and accommodate it. And finally, we can appreciate and explore the meaning and wisdom of the emotion; what it is telling us that we need to know? This is one acceptance practice that we can engage in to care for ourselves in this process.
As you navigate the upcoming holidays and your relationships moving forward, there are many resources, practices, and supports that you can rely on to stay grounded, empowered, and hopeful as difficulties arise. Boundaries can take a variety of forms and can help you to focus on what is in your control. Practicing self-care, clearly stating your boundaries, and having a plan on how to respond to conflict are all helpful practices to prepare for the coming months. Therapy can also be a powerful source of support in navigating these challenges. Reach out to us if you are interested in learning more.
References
Campbell, S., & Behary, W. T. (2022). Adult Survivors of Toxic Family Members : Tools to Maintain Boundaries, Deal with Criticism, and Heal from Shame after Ties Have Been Cut. New Harbinger Publications.
Pearson, C. (2023, March 8). How to set boundaries with a difficult family member. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2023/03/08/well/family/boundaries-family-nedra-glover-tawwab.html
Schwartz, R. (2022, November 16). How to ACT in Conflict. Wildflower Center for Emotional Health.
