Grief is a universal experience. Each of us will be touched by loss in a variety of ways throughout our lifetime. This may look like the loss of a loved one, the loss of a relationship, the loss of a job, or the loss of a dream or goal. No two experiences are the same and the effects of grief may present differently in different people. In this article, we will discuss ways to understand grief and help integrate loss into our lives in a healing way.
Defining Grief
Grief can come in many forms. It can feel like anger, confusion, sadness, or guilt; or tightness in your chest, indigestion, or headaches. It can disrupt sleep, concentration, memory, decision-making, and the ability to be present in our lives. Grief affects us emotionally, mentally, and physically, therefore there is not a one size fits all approach to coping with it.
Oftentimes when people think about the grieving process they think of the five stages of grief, which includes denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (Kübler-Ross, 1970). Denial is defined as a difficulty in accepting that a loss occurred. Anger may include blaming others or yourself for the loss. Bargaining refers to trying to imagine being spared from the loss. Depression may be associated with isolating from others, emotionally detaching from the loss, or wishing you were no longer here. Acceptance is the hope that people can embrace the reality of the loss even if the pain of the loss remains (Kübler-Ross, 1970).
People used this framework and believed that they must experience each stage in a linear process, when we may experience a combination of these stages at different times or not experience one stage at all. It may be more helpful to think of these stages as potentialities in our grieving process while also being open to our own unique experience of coping with our loss.
Exploring Your Feelings of Loss
There is a myriad of natural reactions when a loss happens. You may feel disbelief, numbness, anger, confusion, guilt, depression, or anxiety. These feelings may be everchanging and overwhelming throughout the grieving process but should dissipate with time and processing. It is important to incorporate self-compassion and patience along this journey to allow for feelings to come and go in a healthy way. Starting a grief journal to write down your thoughts and feelings related to the loss may be a helpful place to start. Other creative outlets like drawing, painting, dancing, or photography can help channel your emotions into an activity that provides release or joy.
In some cases, you may experience relief or release after a loss, perhaps due to a loved one who was chronically sick or suffering. This reaction may bring up feelings of guilt or judgment towards ourselves and can be confusing to navigate on our own. Similarly, we may find ourselves searching for meaning after a loss and trying to reconcile our spiritual or religious beliefs after a loss that feels unfair. Reaching out to a caregiver support group or engaging in prayer, yoga, or meditation may feel helpful in processing these emotions in your own way.
The Tasks of Mourning
Mourning is how we move towards healing and hope after a loss. While grief encompasses our thoughts and feelings about the loss, mourning is how we express that grief through behavior. Mourning involves beginning to acknowledge the loss and redefine our lives with this new reality in mind. It may be helpful to think of our life before the loss and after the loss and how we want to develop a new sense of self and relationship with the world around us. This may mean we now have to take on new roles in the family or in the household. This may mean grieving our potential future with the person we lost.
It may be helpful to create rituals for reflecting on and remembering lost loved ones through photos, home videos, or visiting a cemetery. Another idea is to create a space in your home or yard to memorialize your loved one through planting a tree or a flower in your garden. There are so many signs and symbols that can help us to feel connected to the person we lost and integrate grief into our lives moving forward.
Growth Through Grief
Grief does not have a finite end, it is an experience that becomes a part of our story, and our life begins to grow around it. It may feel strange to think of hope and joy as a part of the grieving process, but it is what allows us to keep pushing forward. We are allowed to hold our grief at the same time as joy, this may be laughing at a friend’s joke, or dancing to a song in the car. One feeling does not negate the other, in fact that is part of what makes us human.
A few takeaways that you can begin today include engaging in self-care like moving your body, journaling, or taking a bath. Maintaining routines for sleeping, eating, and hygiene needs. Giving space to your emotions for example crying if you need to cry, talking about your feelings with other people, or sharing stories of your loved ones.
When Grief Becomes Complicated
Grief is a natural reaction to experiencing a loss and can typically take time to be able to return to daily life. There are times when what is considered “normal” grief becomes more complicated and more difficult to manage on your own. Complicated grief would be considered grief symptoms that last over 12 months after the loss and affect your ability to function or engage in typical daily activities (Cleveland Clinic, 2023). This may sometimes be referred to as Prolonged Grief Disorder or chronic grief and can be indicated by overwhelming thoughts about the loss, feeling intense longing for the deceased, feeling a lack of purpose after the loss, or difficulty accepting the loss (Cleveland Clinic, 2023).
With complicated grief you may also experience difficulty sleeping, loss of appetite, challenges in relationships, and declining physical health. (Cleveland Clinic, 2023). Circumstances related to the loss itself may contribute to these symptoms including the nature of the loss, if there was trauma associated with the loss, how close of a relationship you had with the person you lost, or if you have experienced current/previous mental health conditions (Dilworth, 2023). If you or a loved one has been struggling with the ability to cope after a loss, it is recommended to reach out to a mental health provider for additional support.
Asking for Help
While the grieving process may be a unique experience to each of us, you are not alone. Turning to friends and family, a support group, or mental health provider can help lighten the load of healing through grief in a supportive environment. If you would like to learn more about how psychotherapy can help you navigate the challenges related to grief and loss or other aspects of your mental health, reach out to Wildflower’s intake team here. We would be happy to help.
References
Cleveland Clinic (2023). “Complicated Grief”. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24951-complicated-grief
Cleveland Clinic (2023). “Grief”. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24787-grief
Dilworth, T., MA, LCPC (2023). Grief Counseling Certificate Program [Online Course]. PESI.Kübler-Ross, E. (1970). On death and dying. Collier Books/Macmillan Publishing Co.
