Being a parent is inherently challenging, and it can become even more complex when your child or adolescent struggles with anxiety or other mental health conditions. Let us begin by understanding what anxiety is. Anxiety is a natural physiological, emotional, and psychological response that occurs within the body to signal potential danger (Manassis, K., 2015).
In the United States, approximately one in twelve children aged three to seventeen years experience childhood anxiety. The National Institute of Mental Health estimates that the prevalence of anxiety disorders among adolescents aged thirteen to eighteen is roughly one in four, with about one in seventeen experiencing severe anxiety (Kowalchuk et al., 2022). Anxiety encompasses psychological and physical stress that can adversely affect a child’s or teen’s academic performance, relationships, mental health, and physical well-being (NIMH, Any anxiety disorder).
After many years of working with children and families, some of the most common questions I receive are: “How can I help them? What should I do?”
Let us explore some strategies together.
1. Recognize your role
First and foremost, it is important to understand that your role is NOT to eliminate anxiety. Witnessing your child struggle with anxiety can be challenging and may cause a desire to try and eliminate or fix it. However, removing the source of anxiety can be counterproductive. Since anxiety is a behavioral cycle, eliminating the immediate cause may unintentionally reinforce the behavior and lead to avoidance. As a parent or guardian, it is essential to recognize that during moments of heightened anxiety, your primary role is to support your child in coping and navigating through the experience.
2. Remain calm and collected
Children are highly observant, and if you are dysregulated, your child is likely to notice it. Maintaining your own regulation during this time is essential in supporting your child through periods of anxiety. If your child observes that you are upset, it may contribute to increased dysregulation or lead them to avoid expressing their feelings altogether. Therefore, it is important to remain calm and composed. Managing your own emotional state helps create a stabilizing environment, which can mitigate the impact of stress and anxiety on cognitive functioning. (Lebowitz & Omer, 2013)
3. Model your own coping
Essentially, what this involves is sharing your own strategies for managing stress and explaining the process to your child. For example, clinical social worker Grace Berman recommends sharing when you are experiencing a concern yourself and discussing your identified coping techniques (deep breathing, challenging negative thoughts, and mindfulness). This approach benefits all parties involved: you effectively manage your own stress while providing context and examples that your child can consider using in their own anxiety-provoking situations.
4. Talk about things when they aren’t at their worst
Discussing anxiety when a child is not currently experiencing it can be challenging. Often, there is a tendency to avoid addressing anxiety out of concern that bringing up the topic may cause discomfort. However, this approach can create the impression that conversations about anxiety should only occur during periods of intense distress, which may lead parents to perceive their child as less cooperative or more resistant than they actually are, since a child’s ability to rationalize can be impacted when they are stressed (Lebowitz & Omer, 2013). This emphasizes the cognitive effects of anxiety and highlights the importance of teaching and implementing cognitive skills and strategies, as well as supporting parents in developing more adaptive coping mechanisms for their child (Lebowitz & Omer, 2013).
5. Do a reality check
Think about it—when you, as an adult, are emotionally dysregulated and anxious, are you truly in a position to reason with someone? Most likely, the answer is no. So, why would we expect a child to be willing or able to do so? When a child is under the stress of anxiety, due to the cognitive effects of anxiety on a child’s thought process, it can significantly reduce their ability to attend to the parent’s words, which can sometimes get in the way of keeping a clear head about the bigger picture or realistic details (Manassis, K. (2015).
That being said, children with anxiety can sometimes be difficult to reassure. However, you can support your child by encouraging them to question their fears and develop their own constructive self-talk. This type of self-talk is based on a realistic understanding of the situation, rather than assuming that everything will automatically be fine (Manassis, 2015). A helpful skill to explore together is from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy: Wise Mind. The concept of Wise Mind involves examining both emotions and facts of a situation to reduce distress and build emotional resilience. Additionally, challenging anxious thoughts can be approached through asking your child specific questions that align with a Cognitive Behavioral approach, which aims to identify and address potentially distorted thought patterns influenced by feelings.
6. Keep lines of communication open
Make space to talk about it and do not avoid it. While avoidance can temporarily relieve the client of their anxiety, and the parent of discomfort, in the long-term, it makes it worse. Creating space to discuss concerns
7. Don’t make promises you can’t keep
This subtitle addresses an important message. Naturally, when supporting your child during periods of high stress or anxiety, it is important to steer clear of making statements that are not definite. Since anxiety can be worsened by uncertainty, promising an outcome we can’t promise might give someone a false sense of hope (Berman, 2024). You may be wondering…how do we help if we can’t tell them everything will be okay? And the answer is that the goal is to help the child develop self-regulation skills and recognize that, even if they are experiencing discomfort at the moment, they have the inner strength to manage and work through their challenges—that leads me to my next point.
8. Reassure and support
In moments of high anxiety, support is key. Validate the child/teen’s experience. Being there and leading through breathing exercises until symptoms go down, or even just standing or sitting with them providing reassurance of their capability to make it through this challenge through words of support.
9. Listen
When I say listen, I mean actively listening. Young Minds UK shared some tips on How to Really Listen to your Child (2023), some of these include; give your full attention and use positive body language, use statements as well as questions (open-ended questions), be empathetic, reflect key information and label emotions, be curious, and encourage problem solving.
Let’s wrap it up
In conclusion, your role as a parent is to support your child within your capacity. However, this does not mean that if your child is experiencing high levels of anxiety, the information provided will fully address the situation. I encourage you to consider having your child evaluated by a licensed professional if you observe that anxiety symptoms are significantly affecting their daily functioning.
If you have any further questions or if your child is experiencing symptoms of anxiety, please feel free to contact our team at Wildflower. It may be helpful to have support while navigating these challenges and to explore additional strategies for managing your experience as a caregiver supporting a child with anxiety.
For more support, pair this article with The Highly Sensitive Parent: How to Navigate the Overwhelm and Embrace Your Strengths by Eden Himidian, a wonderful resource for how to parent as someone with a high sensitivity trait.
Sources
Berman, G. (2024, November 22). 10 tips for parenting anxious kids. Child Mind Institute. https://childmind.org/article/10-tips-for-parenting-anxious-kids/
Breathe it through find your calm. (n.d.-a). https://www.youngminds.org.uk/media/2vzdepo0/mindfulness-hand-breathing-and-grounding-techniques.pdf
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (n.d.). Data and statistics on children’s Mental Health. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/children-mental-health/data-research/index.html
Facts & Statistics | Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA. (n.d.-b). https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/facts-statistics
Himidian, E. (n.d.). Parenting Support Archives. Wildflower Center for Emotional Health.
https://www.wildflowerllc.com/category/treatment-approaches/parenting-support
How to really listen to your child. YoungMinds. (n.d.-a). https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/blog/how-to-really-listen-to-your-child/
Lebowitz, E. R., & Omer, H. (2013). Treating childhood and adolescent anxiety: A guide for caregivers. Wiley.
Manassis, K. (2015). Keys to parenting your anxious child. Barron’s Educational Series.
Supporting a child with anxiety: Tips and advice. YoungMinds. (n.d.-b). https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/anxiety/
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. (n.d.). Any anxiety disorder. National Institute of Mental Health. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/any-anxiety-disorderThe wise mind technique in DBT. The Resource Group Counseling and Education Center, Inc. | Providing relief from suffering for over 30 years. (2024, March 25). https://resourcegrp.org/blog/what-is-the-wise-mind-technique-in-dbt/
