In a society that highly values productivity, perfectionism, and doing things right, it is easy to believe that we would not be as successful, functional, or achieving if we were not hard on ourselves.
Common Self-Critical Thoughts
Have you ever had thoughts that sound something like this?
- If I did not feel guilty for having a “lazy” day, I would never get anything done.
- If I did not try to do everything as perfectly as I can at work, I may not be as valued as an employee or even be fired.
- As a parent, I do not care enough about my kids, I am not giving them everything I can, I am never doing enough and it never feels like enough even when I am doing all I can.
- I won’t be able to get the things I want in my life or something bad will happen if I do not worry about making the “right” decisions and strongly avoid making the “wrong” decisions.
This type of thinking can give us the false promise that if we beat ourselves up internally, we will be better, more successful, and ultimately good enough. The challenge is that this type of thinking rarely helps to motivate real, sustainable change.
Understanding Coping Styles Through RO-DBT
A therapeutic approach called Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy (RO-DBT) explores the idea that there are two styles of coping that we all fall into, more of one style over the other. These styles of coping are part of our biological make-up and natural temperament, though are then further shifted by our environment growing up and the world around us in differing ways.
Overcontrolled vs. Undercontrolled Coping
Undercontrolled coping may involve being more easily excited or sensitive to rewards and short-term gratification. Someone with this style may be more impulsive and present-focused.
Overcontrolled coping tends to involve valuing delayed gratification, working hard to avoid mistakes, and frequently overthinking or assessing every possible outcome. A person with this style may be detail-oriented, perfectionistic, and risk-avoidant.
Both styles have strengths:
- Undercontrolled individuals often see the bigger picture, “the forest through the trees.”
- Overcontrolled individuals excel at precision, seeing each tree—its roots, its branches, its details—up close.
Neither style is superior. Both bring strengths and both bring challenges.
When Culture Reinforces Overcontrol
Because our culture often celebrates busyness, overwork, and intense achievement, people with overcontrolled tendencies may feel reinforced for behaviors that ultimately create stress. Maybe you have received praise at work after pulling an all nighter to make sure a presentation is absolutely perfect. Why would you stop doing that when you are praised for it?
The challenge is that perfectionism, delayed gratification, a detail orientated view, and high value on always doing the “right” thing morally or otherwise can feel quite stressful. It can leave a person feeling that if they are not being highly productive every day, they are lazy, worthless, and a failure.
Challenging Overcontrolled Tendencies
What might it look like to challenge some of these traits in order to increase a sense of self compassion and a sense of self worth?
The goal is not to get rid of them entirely because we do truly need them sometimes, but to better determine where they help and where they don’t.
Consider the following reflective questions:
- How might beating yourself up in your mind impact your sense of self, your confidence, and your sense of self worth?
- How might rarely allowing yourself to relax unless you feel you earned it or deserve it impact your energy, potential for burnout, and what message does it send to your body that in order to rest or relax, you must have been deserving of it?
- How may your self worth be determined by the actions or words of others that ultimately are not in your control?
Small Experiments in Flexibility
Another way to explore a new approach could be to experiment with allowing yourself flexibility in actions versus strict rules regarding what is “right” or “wrong.” This could look like:
- Instead of correcting the way your partner puts the dishes in the dishwasher, challenge yourself to leave it as is, even if you strongly feel there is a “right” way to load the dishwasher.
- Say yes to joining in activities you may normally sit out of because it may feel silly, stupid, or childish. For example, if a friend asks you to try a new Zumba class, try joining them, even if you are worried you might look “stupid” doing it!
- If you feel an urge to tidy or clean your home, see if you can take a moment to take a deep breath and engage in something more fun or playful with your free time. This could look like taking a walk outside (without headphones) and being aware of the colors you see while on the walk around your block. It could look like sitting and relaxing with a puzzle for a bit. It may look like putting on a fun song and dancing crazy around the room! Yes, these exercises are supposed to feel a bit silly to allow your body to experience something new, something where it is less tense, rigid, and needing to be productive. It communicates to your body that it’s okay to have fun, be playful, and exploratory in life, even as an adult! When we are able to have fun and be playful, it also communicates to the body that we are safe, which can serve as a different way to regulate emotions versus high levels of productivity all the time.
- If you tend to always be the listener and the one others go to for help, advice, support, and care, see if you can allow yourself to be the person in the group who shares something more personal or asks for support and help. If you do practice this, make sure you choose a group or person that you generally trust and feel comfortable with already. This could allow others to get to know you on a deeper level, creating closer connections and reducing feelings of loneliness and isolation. With this example, you are working to build off of existing connections that you already have in order to feel more fulfilled in relationships.
Support for Exploring New Ways of Coping
If these new or different ways of coping and experiencing life sound interesting to you, there are many therapists at Wildflower that can assist you in exploring ways to increase flexibility in life, openness to new experiences, and deep connections with yourself and others.
For more information on assessing your own coping style and learning about Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy (RO-DBT,) you can visit the link here.
Sources
Hempel, R.J., Rushbrook, S.C., O’Mahen, H., Lynch, R.T. (2018.) How to Differentiate Overcontrol From Undercontrol: Findings From the RefraMEDStudy and Guidelines From Clinical Practice. https://www.radicallyopen.net/resources/The%20Behavior%20Therapsist%2041n3%20-%20RO%20DBT%20Special%20Issue.pdf#page=24.
Lynch, R.T. (2018). The Skills Training Manual for Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy: A Clinician’s Guide for Treating Disorders of Overcontrol. Revo, NV: Context Press, an imprint of New Harbinger Publications.
