We all know what it feels like to be lonely. No one wants to be characterized as a “loner” or “antisocial,” and yet most of us have felt deeply disconnected from others at one time or another. When we feel lonely, it is easy to feel like we are, literally, alone. Research shows that loneliness is pervasive and takes a considerable toll on our physical and mental health. People who report feeling lonely on a regular basis are at higher risk of experiencing dementia, heart disease, or stroke. Further research shows that loneliness can even shorten one’s lifespan (PBS NewsHour, 2023). The good news is that friendships are one of the vital cures to keeping loneliness at bay.
What does the research have to say?
According to recent data from a poll conducted by the American Psychiatric Association (APA), one in three Americans report feeling lonely every week. Sadly, this data is not surprising. My instinct was to blame the Covid-19 pandemic and rise of social media for contributing to this public health epidemic. However, 43% of participants polled said that the pandemic did not contribute to any changes in their loneliness levels and 23% said they felt less lonely than in pre-pandemic times. In fact, a majority of the polled adults said that technology plays a pivotal role in forming new social connections (APA, 2024). So what is going on here? Why do we feel so lonely and why is making friends as an adult so painstakingly difficult?
To answer that question, it might be helpful to work backwards. Why was it so much easier to make friends as children? Well, for starters, kids aren’t as blindingly aware of their own faults, strengths, and shortcomings. More importantly, there is infrastructure that pushes kids together and encourages social interaction. Most children in the US attend school Monday through Friday which provides ample social opportunities. As kids grow into teens and young adults, they may play on sports teams, work a summer job, attend college, stay in a dorm, etc.
After college, this infrastructure changes, if not fully disappears. Some may work in a social workplace but now approximately 22% of Americans work remotely, according to the US Bureau of Labor Statistics (2025). But it’s not just social infrastructure, it is literal infrastructure too. Dr. Laurie Santos, professor of Psychology at Yale and creator of The Happiness Lab podcast, claims that free public spaces and “third spaces” such as cafes, libraries, parks, shopping malls, and community centers are becoming more scarce or expensive (PBS NewsHour, 2023). Yet another barrier to entry.
Another reason why making friends as an adult is so hard is that new relationships take time and energy. Two things that, for most of us, are in short supply and high demand. Friendships are investments, and they take time to mature. They require scheduling, communicating, novelty, awkwardness, and most of all vulnerability. The reality is, sometimes it’s just easier to stay at home, especially given the fast-paced, self-improvement focused culture that we live in. But friendships matter, not only because they are the antidote to loneliness but because they have significant benefits to our health and longevity. Now more than ever, we have to resist all of the things that are keeping us disconnected, which can feel like going against the grain.
Recommendations
While friendships can’t be made by simply pressing a button, there are things you can do to start focusing on community and opening yourself up to new people.
Engage in your interests, and the people will follow
What do you like to do? Is there something you’ve been meaning to try or a hobby you wish to explore? Whatever it is, do it because you enjoy it. When we open ourselves to enjoying an experience (even if it is something we aren’t the most skilled at) we are more likely to feel comfortable and calm. As long as there is some social element to your activity, you’re primed to find and connect with someone who shares your interests.
Embrace the tech
Despite the APA’s new poll, I still have my reservations about the role social media, technology, and the pandemic play in our loneliness epidemic. That said, the APA usually knows a thing or two, so let’s roll with it. When used intentionally, technology can help facilitate connection. Apps like Bumble BFF, Meetup, or even local community groups on Facebook can be great ways to meet new people and build a sense of belonging. The important thing is to use these tools as a bridge to connection in real life rather than a substitute for it.
Resist the temptation to isolate
What are the thoughts, behaviors, or experiences that keep you from making desired connections and forming authentic relationships? Do you find yourself becoming socially anxious? Does your neurodivergence make masking feel exhausting? You aren’t alone, and it can get better. Using skills such as mindfulness or maintaining a thought log can help you address the obstacles getting in your way. Even small interactions with acquaintances, neighbors, or coworkers can help combat loneliness and increase connection (Abrams, 2023). I am a little biased, but therapy can be an immensely helpful process for those struggling to foster authentic relationships. By creating a space of safety, privacy, and openness therapists help their clients develop effective coping skills and improve interpersonal challenges.
Remain steadfast and consistent
New friendships are like plants. They need time, care, and consistency to grow. It may take a few get-togethers before initial connections start to feel natural and easy. But showing up regularly, following through on plans, and staying open all help things take root. Over time, what starts as small talk or a casual coffee can blossom into genuine friendship.
Therapy can help
Building and sustaining meaningful relationships in adulthood takes courage, patience, and care—and it’s something you don’t have to do alone. At Wildflower Center for Emotional Health, our therapists provide a supportive and affirming space to explore the barriers to connection, help you understand relational patterns, and cultivate the confidence and openness that make deeper bonds possible. If you’re longing for more connection in your life, therapy can be a powerful place to begin. Reach out to us to learn more!
Citations
Abrams, Z. (2023). The science of friendship. APA Monitor on Psychology. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2023/06/cover-story-science-friendship
American Psychiatric Association. (2024). New APA poll: One in three Americans feels lonely every week. https://www.psychiatry.org/news-room/news-releases/new-apa-poll-one-in-three-americans-feels-lonely-e
PBS NewsHour. (2023). Why Americans are lonelier and its effects on our health [Video with transcript]. PBS. https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/why-americans-are-lonelier-and-its-effects-on-our-health
U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. (2025). Telework (CPS). https://www.bls.gov/cps/telework.htm
