Understanding Sexual Communication
Sexual communication is just what it sounds like: it’s communication about sex. Seems simple, right? It isn’t, but not because some special or arcane set of skills are needed. Our culture teaches us to be profoundly uncomfortable and/or conflicted about sex. Many people spend a lifetime with another person without broaching the topic. In fact, a lot of us feel more comfortable being naked with someone than talking about being naked.
Another part of our struggle is that, as sex therapist Dr. Marty Klein points out in his brilliant book Sexual Intelligence: What We Really Want from Sex and How to Get It, communication is an emotional skill, and not solely a technical one. The technical part of communication matters very much—making “I” statements, using softened start-up to broach sensitive topics, and so on—but if we are struggling with the emotions underlying the topic and they prevent us from listening with curiosity and non-defensiveness or bringing the matter up in the first place, we won’t get very far.
Overcoming Emotional Barriers
Sex therapy often helps by giving people insight into the emotional challenges they may carry into the bedroom, such as shame, anxiety, or fear of rejection. By working through these barriers, individuals and couples can express their needs more clearly and listen more openly. This not only improves sexual communication but also strengthens overall intimacy.
The key point is that we need to deal with the heavy, stressful stuff that we may be bringing into the sexual encounter in order to effectively communicate about sex. If you feel inadequate or ashamed, it’s hard to enjoy sex or to tell your partner what you want and need. You need to feel worthy of pleasure and attention, believe it’s okay to talk about your desires or limits, and stay present and curious as your partner responds. The good news is that you can learn to do that!
As Marty Klein points out, doing this kind of work is important and liberating: it allows sex to become simply about sex, and not a referendum on your worth, attractiveness, skills, body, age. That sounds nice, doesn’t it? With pressure gone, there is more presence, enjoyment, experimentation, and curiosity. But as with all things worth reaching for, it takes effort and practice.
Better Conversations
Sexual dialogue doesn’t mean long, heavy talks before every encounter. It can be as simple as a check-in, “Does this feel good?” or sharing preferences outside the bedroom when there’s no pressure. Saying “slower,” “more of that,” or “let’s try something different” builds comfort and trust. Talking about when you don’t feel like having sex is key also. Sharing the contexts that make you interested in sex—or those that shut you down—gives you and your partner a clearer roadmap for connection.
Maybe you’re more open when you’ve had time to relax after a stressful day, or when the house is clean, or you have had a chance to take some time to yourself. Maybe interruptions, tension, or feeling rushed make desire harder to access. Talking about these patterns doesn’t ruin the mood—it helps create it.
Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers
If you are not convinced yet, check out the excellent book by Peggy Kleinplatz and Dana Menard titled Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers. The authors conducted the largest interview-based study to date on people’s most fulfilling sexual experiences and found that what made sex “magnificent” wasn’t technique, youth, or frequency. Time and time again, the authors discovered that extraordinary lovers’ advanced communication skills and heightened empathy enabled them to have deeply gratifying sexual experiences.
Better sex starts with better conversations, in and outside of the bedroom.
If you would like to learn more about sex therapy at Wildflower, consider reviewing our educational guide: A Short Guide to Sex Therapy. For free initial consultation, call us at 312.809.0298 or complete our online inquiry form. We look forward to hearing from you!
